She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
