That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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