So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
