Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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