if i can run in heels then i can drive
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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