I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Congratulations! We have a period
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