He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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