a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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