just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
