I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
