I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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