Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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