if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm at about main and main street
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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