I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
