be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
