yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
