What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
