the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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