My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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