I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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