Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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