I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
