At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
