Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
