A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
