my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
