I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
