mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
