i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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