hotel room ftw
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
