Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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