oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
