he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
