you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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