I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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