Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
