I think my vagina is haunted
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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