Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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