I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
