Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
