and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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