Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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