I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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