Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
