hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
