I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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