What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
