I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
