I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
