i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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