I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
