Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
