i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
