i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
